Comma, what?

When submitting an advertisement, comma placement is paramount. "Bluetooth heated seats" is way different than "Bluetooth, heated seats..."

Who's Chester?

A lady just submitted an ad in writing for a bedroom suite with a chester drawers....not a chest of drawers...but a chester drawers. I wonder what that looks like.

Itty Bitty Gripe

If you're going to place a classified ad, that's cool. We welcome your business. HOWEVER, if you're going to place a classified ad and not be willing to assume that your ad is in the paper, take it upon yourself to actually CHECK the paper to see that your ad is there.

My computer COULD be wrong and show that we published your ad, when in fact it didn't.

TL;DR version: Don't call me and ask if your ad is in the paper if you haven't bothered to look for it.

"Is my ad in the paper?" "Yes sir, did you have a problem finding it?" "No, I just didn't look."
THAT IS THE ACTUAL CONVERSATION. I hate that guy now.

Lemme get two of 'em...

ACTUAL ad: "Up to date laptop, includes Microsoft and Firewall. $950."

Having all of those details to go on, I think I'll take two.

You can almost touch it...

The lady I share an office with here at work (who I call my work-wife, since I spend so much time with her) and I were discussing the days news when I brought up that Playboy magazine would soon come with glasses so people could "read" the centerfold in three dimensions. The following is that conversation:

Me: "Playboy is introducing 3D centerfolds."

Her: "That's JUST what people need...sad. Playgirl is all online now, it's not even a magazine. Not that I read Plagirl..."

Me: "Right. Of course not."

Her: "I don't."


Silence ensues.


Me: "What are you eating?"

Her: "Poppycock."

Me: "...and you don't read Playgirl."

Giggity.

Who is this again?

A lady just called to advertise her kayaks. She ran down the policy and fees with me so there would be no confusion before she asked "What's the name of your paper?"

Shouldn't that be something you know before you call and want to utilize our particular service?

Beware the mighty Turk.

A sweet little old lady just came in to submit a change to her ad. She's running an ad for a ladder rack, but failed to mention that it will fit on a full size Turk.

To me, nothing is more frightening than a full size Turk with a neatly organized ladder rack.

Upside down

"Yes, ma'am. What's your credit card number?" "981...wait...981?" "Is this Visa, Mastercard, or Discover ma'am? (NOTE: Visa starts with a 5, Mastercard with a 6, Discover with a 7. Carry on.)" "It's a Mastercard....hmmm...OH! It's upside down!"

Wonder what gave it away.

"G" is a number...

Somebody just read the number 9 on their credit card out to me as "G."

1
2
3
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5
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G
10

"Money time?"

"How much do I owe you?" "Ten Thirty." "TEN THIRTY!? I just looked at the clock and it's almost eleven!" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

No. Stop talking and give me your money before I take away your funny card.

"How now?"

"I'd like to change the price on my ad, please." "Sure, go ahead." "What's the price now?" If you don't know what the price on your ad is, how do you know you want to change it?

Goes right along with "I want to change my ad." "Alright, what did you need to change?" "I don't know what it says, can you read it to me?" HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO CHANGE IT IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT SAYS?!

People.

"Obviously..."

"I need to change the phone number in my ad, please." "Yes ma'am. What was the number you originally placed in it?" "It was the number I gave you when I placed the ad." "Yes, ma'am. I'm sure it was. Can you tell me that number?"

"I knows it..."

A guy just called to give me an ad for car. He told me it had "AM/FM CD player or DVD player, I'm not sure which." He couldn't decide which it was, so I told him he had time to call back in case he needed to go look and see what he had. "I know exactly what I have, I don't need to look." "Alright, Sir. You know exactly what you have, I understand that. Is it a CD or DVD player?" "Which one goes in a car?" "Either one can, sir." "It's one of them, a CD or DVD player."

This man knows his car....EXACTLY.

"...depends on the heat and A/C..."

A customer here at work JUST asked me if his mobile home/trailer would sell better in the winter or the summer, since he's had no luck selling it yet. He also pointed out that he has a picture attached to the ad, but has had no calls since placing the ad with said picture...he wondered if maybe it would do better without a picture. I wanted to tell him people would buy it if they wanted a piece of shit trailer.

"It's a car...of some kind."

"You guys put my ad in wrong, it's in for a Cavalier, it needs to ba a GMC Caballero." "Yes, sir. I'll change that for you. Can you spell it for me?" "Uhhh..C-A-B...uh...you know what, just put it in as a GMC El Camino, it's the same thing, I guess." LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: Know how to spell the model of your own damn car, please.

"Call me now, before prices get higher!"

This guy just asked if adding a new paint job would make his pre-existing ad sell any better, then in the same breath jacked the price up by $1500...'cause, you know...if people were hesitant to buy your truck not knowing if it was freshly painted, they'll REALLY blow up your phone now that it's way overpriced.

"Them's fightin' words..."

A gem from a customer: "I'd like to make an altercation to my ad.."

Odds are good it was talking some shit and sparked this guys ire.

Welcome, and enjoy.

Welcome to Customer Wit, a blog chronicling my adventures in customer service as a representative at a local classified ad publisher. Customers from all over and all walks of life call, fax, or e-mail us ads all day every day Monday through Friday, selling their trash, goods, and services day after day. Some people exhibit some semblance of common sense, while others are a bit more special and show just why sometimes I question the human race and wonder about the future of us as a species.

Sometimes these people call me and say or do something so outrageous, it's finally caused me to start keeping a log. These are those conversations.